The newest feature on facebook is the ability to subscribe to people's accounts (sort of like following someone on twitter) and right now the absolute most coolest thing that can pop up on your newsfeed is: "(your name here) subscribed to Tom Anderson." Who the devil is Tom Anderson you ask? The myspace guy. With the white t-shirt and the weird angled picture...you remember now? People just think it is so wiggidy wack that Tom, the myspace guy, has a facebook page. What makes you think that Tom could live without one when you can't? But go ahead and try. However, like so many who have preceded you, you are bound to enter the stages of the facebook cycle.
Trigger stage: You receive back to back updates on your news feed inviting you to take care of some animal or "like" a random companies' page so your friend can win a free t-shirt. This is the animal farm straw that breaks the camel's back and you decide you are DONE WITH FACEBOOK. It's LAME!
Announcement Stage: using your status update, you announce to all of your "friends" on facebook that you are leaving them so they will need to figure out another way to contact you, either through email or phone call or waving.
False Liberation: you "delete" your facebook account which oddly still exists and can be accessed by you signing in the way you always have for the last few years...in spite of how easy it will be to reenter the facebook world, you know you will never come back.
Loneliness and Productivity: You get a lot more done at your computer but come weekends, you have no idea what is going on around town. Even worse, your birthday came and went and only your closest friends and relatives who actually care about you wished you a happy birthday :(
Last temptation: The last temptation consists of you legitimately needing facebook. Your friend tells you she wants to set you up with a friend of hers. You are hesitant to accept. You wish there was a way to have a small sample of your blind dates interests and opinions, a photographic history of significant events in the last 2-5 years of her life as well as a smaller, "best of" photo collection featuring her doing REALLY cool things or standing next to REALLY famous buildings/people and some pics of her looking EXTRA nice in a bridesmaid dress or a casual but carefully cropped group photo where she accidentally looks super hot.
Yes, if only you had a free tool that could provide you with such information so that you don't end up on a crappy blind date...
and that's when you log back in.
Why? Because you NEED it. How else would people you aren't sure you know hit you up for your address so they can mail you a wedding invitation? How would you ever be invited to a provo hipster house shows?** (e.g. Music night at the couch house) and Sans Facebook, how would anyone see the pictures of you building desks in Africa for school children this summer?
Answer: they wouldn't.
Moral of the story:I need facebook, you need facebook, even Tom Anderson needs facebook.
*SoPo is what all the cool kids call "South Provo". So if you decide not to follow Tom, you can still do a new cool thing by dropping this in a sentence. (e.g. Whatsherface:Hey Tomkins, where are you living this semester? Tomkins: In a house in SoPo. Whatsherface: That's hot.
**answer: pintrest, tumblr, and a new one social media site that you haven't heard of before because you are a noob
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